The Blowout

I came home from the most wild, confusing weekend of my life. In just 48 hours, I'd gone to my 20 year high school reunion, spent the night with another man, and gotten a large tattoo, all of which were planned.

Now I found myself back in my home, a home which had become a psycho ward. Jerry was half asleep on the couch. I gazed down at him with contempt. He had become a completely different person than the man I had been married to. He was fat, lazy, unmotivated, and I could not bear the thought of spending one more minute of my life with this person. For now, I would walk across the street and drink wine with the neighbors.

An hour later, I staggered back into the house, head spinning, fighting tears, and full of rage. I'd had it, going anywhere, doing anything would be better than this living hell. I called a friend and asked her to come get me. Halfway out the door, Jerry suddenly appeared out of nowhere, standing there, blocking me.

"Where are you going?", he demanded. "I'm leaving!" Was I so drunk that a sliver of time had escaped me? Before I knew it, Jerry picked me up as if I weighed no more than a 5 year old child, and threw me into the van. He drove to the park, so we could talk alone, without our children hearing our catastrophic blow out.

"What's going on with you? Talk to me!" I just kept saying, "I'm leaving!" , over and over. I'd been pushed over the edge, depression turned to mania, and then imploded into a survival mode.

"Is there someone else?" He'd always said it would be the end of us if I ever cheated on him. "YES!", I screamed. Instead of the response I expected, Jerry cried out, "It doesn't matter. I forgive you. Just don't leave!" I yelled back that I hated him, and that I was leaving- no matter what. In one swift move, Jerry flung the door of the van open, picked me up with one arm, and tossed me out to the ground. I landed with a hard thump, dazed and shaken. Immediately, Jerry pleaded with me to forgive him, and pulled me back into the van.

The next few days were a blur. Jerry left, came back. I left, came back. Neither of us really had any place to go. I couldn't go to my lover's house; his life was as much a mess as mine. I stayed, by default at first. Then slowly, day by day, week by week, I saw Jerry reverse back to the man I loved. We'd both learned the undeniable truth-that we could not live without each other. The children needed us, but more, Jerry and I needed each other.

The recovery was a long, arduous journey. In the end, we were transformed. WE began to pick up all the shattered pieces of our lives together by some miracle.

Ruby

shards of life

like shards of glass, on the broken, uneven pavement that we call life...

some emotions are just too jagged,, too sharp,, too cutting,, too raw to keep to yourself..........

"Watch me."

david and i met in 1985, at a bar called the temple tavern in akron, ohio....i was newly separated, not yet divorced, and looking desperately to fulfill my desire to be "in love" again,, i wanted to ache with desire for someone,, i wanted to have sex that would ring in my ears for days and in so doing,,,,, i believed, become complete.

it was winter, the last week of february, an all out blizzard that night. we talked briefly, and i invited him to come home with me... he said ok,, but he had come with some other people and that had to give them a ride home first... no problem... i went home,, and perched myself in the window so that i could see him, and he would have no trouble finding me when he finally appeared thru the snow.......he never showed...never called... finally, i went to bed alone...

the following monday i went to the temple, this time as a patron, as it was pitcher night,,, your favorite mixed drink served in a pitcher for only $5.00...and happened upon his friend, bob, who i recognized and asked where his friend dave was.......

as convenience would have it, he was at bobs house, so he gave me the number,, i called and went to get david....to make a long story short,,, he did in fact go home with me this time,, and proceeded to show me what was missing in my life,,, the most blatant display of human animal affection i had ever experienced....

i was bitten, i was hooked, i was in love, as i had indeed found a "dick more powerful than myself" as i so aptly described years later..

two days later i came home from work to find out he had moved his stuff in while i was at work... we were one.. david and me,, two lost souls,, no longer lost.. joined by need and desire and not much else... but we proclaimed our love for each other and finally, i felt as if i could be complete.....

so it began,, and our fiery relationship lasted thru numerous moves to florida, jail sentences, violent arguments, separations, infidelities, massive drugs and alcohol.....highs and lows as i had never experienced in my life,,, chaos and desperation that only drew me closer to him,, to my need to make it all ok,, take care of him,, help him....make him love me in the same insane, obsessive, all encompassing way, i loved him....i only ever wanted us to be together, exclusively, to love each other,, to be a forever couple....or"go out in a blaze of glory" as sid vicious of the sex pistols so aptly put it....david and me,, to eternity....

and thru it all ... the sex was life giving. he could right any wrong,, be forgiven for any indiscretion, there was no bump or bruise or emotional hurt that he couldnt fix by laying me down and mending my torn soul with his magic wand...no desperation he couldnt kiss away,, he was my knight in shining armor..... until the next time....

after what seemed like forever together,, and really only amounted to a little over six years i finally gathered the courage one early morning to stop... to tell david he couldnt come home...

he had left me a few days before,, taking all of his worldy posessions, his clothes and his stereo...and now at daybreak he had appeared in a friends car, that he had decided to use without permission,,, after sexing the same friends wife... and, well, just generally screwing up the people he chose to leave me for this time....somehow, some way,, from deep inside me i know not where,, i was strong enough to let him go,,, and to go on without him...for once i didnt chase him down and bring him home, and start the vicious cycle all over again.... instead we parted with me telling him,

"you cant go thru life being nothing but a good fuck."

and he replied, knowingly, with that little tilt of his head, and that sexy as thou art smile,, "Watch me."

i saw him one more time,, taking out the trash at some unfamiliar house in downtown fort lauderdale, in those turquoise shorts he only ever wore if there was no clean laundry and every other thing he owned had been worn more than the reasonable amount of times...i didnt stop, i never spoke to him again....

i moved, no forwarding address,,, found other equally drug and violence ridden relationships, without the amazing sex,,, that lasted a few months,,, became a drug addict and all that that, that implies,, and finally awakened to the fact that i didnt have to live like that.... but all of that is fodder for another post....

last friday, while paging thru the akron beacon journal,, i came across his grandfathers obituary...{ i need to talk to you about "short" and wanda sometime too,, the most grounded loving people i have ever had the privilege to know}.... and as i read the notice, i saw the words..."preceded in death by his grandson, David A. Gardon...."
he had died january 17, 2004, one month shy of his 38th birthday.

i was numb... i still am... my david, my love, my obsession....is gone.

it was ok not to be with him, it was ok not to know what he was doing, or how he was,,, as to know would have been too dangerous, too painful. i had many times searched the internet for information about him.. checked the jails,, thought about calling "short" and wanda, just to make sure he was ok... but i never did...i couldnt resist him then, and it was possible, if the situation presented itself i couldnt resist him even now....

i found out this week he died of an oxycontin overdose, he and the girl he was with...found dead, together.....and as shameless and perverted as it might sound... it should have been me...

me and david forever... gone out in the blaze of drug fueled glory we so often proclaimed would be ours,,, forever together......

i will always love you, my david... no matter what.....