Seeking the profound.

All of my life I have tried to grasp the enormity of the Universe, which intellectually & I know (or believe) to be infinite. I always ask, “Why”?

Gazing at the stars, trying to make Earth bound sense of it all.

“Let’s see. All the stars that are visible to the naked eye are in our galaxy and there are as many galaxies as there are stars.”

Steady now.

So, in essence I search to grasp Infinity or Eternity. I recall, long ago, on one occasion, getting a little light headed and losing my footing when I started to conceptualize the massiveness of which is all around us.

It was as though I backed off and wouldn’t take that next step to “understand”. It was like a point of no return. Maybe I really didn’t want to know or feel the Power and Vastness.

Still today, I constantly seek answers to the profound and mundane. There always has to be reason. I hold that in the next life we will all know these answers, but at that time it won’t make a difference. All will be understood. I laugh when I hear about those that “blow themselves up” for their cause and religion - looking forward to a reward of seventy virgins in the afterlife.

Ha ha ha ha, did they ever think it might be a punishment? Those most favored will receive at least seven thousand virgins or an unlimited eternal virginal supply?. What happens after seventy days? You have run out of virgins and you’re S.O.L? Maybe they could bargain for another explosion in a short reincarnated life.

OK, I digress.

I continue to recall the morning after my first psychedelic trip. After all the deep thinking and Reality shattering revelations, the sun rose the same way the next day. I was hungry and had to eat. I had to get to the cafeteria. I had to wait in line. I had to do all the same mundane things I did everyday. It didn’t seem right. I “knew” the secrets of the Universe and I was still tied to the physical realm – a slave to reality. How could that be?

My lesson; regardless of mighty insights, we still have to survive day to day while we are here.

To paraphrase an ancient proverb:

What does a wood cutter do after he attains enlightenment?

He cuts wood.

So I ask,

“Is it worth asking?

Is it worth seeking?

Is it worth knowing right now?”


T.G.

mama

i am not powerful enough to have disgraced you,,, or your god....

omission

why do i feel that your silence,, is merely your way of lying thru omission?????????

silence

silence propagates itself, the longer talk has been suspended, the more difficult it is to find anything to say....

Samuel Jackson {1709-1784}

speak to me......................

the garden bench

a print of this painting, the garden bench, by james tissot, hangs over my bed.

i found it in a big box store years ago, right at a time in my life that i had resumed a relationship with my family after a near twenty year walk on the wild side.

when i saw this picture, i knew it spoke very deeply to me, and i knew immediately that my mother, my sisters, and myself were portrayed here in the most intimate way.

in this picture, none of us is who we try to project ourselves to be, nor are we who we choose to see when looking at ourselves,,, but rather, we appear as we really are.

the placement, the postures, the clothing,, all speak of each one of us in such detail, i could write volumes....

mother, pristinely coiffed and placed as the center,, reaching out to that which she knows she can never really touch,,, my youngest sister. she is at ease with turning her back on my middle sister,, who has always chosen to meld with mother and her idea of what her daughters should be, and myself,, the oldest,, boldly wearing the dress of black , openly choosing not to blend in to the color scheme of things,, always distant and never really physically available, as she is assured of both of our love for her....

"j" the youngest, dressed here as a boy, has always been somewhat different. she has no apparent emotional makeup what so ever. she is a self absorbed universe unto herself, not maliciously, probably not even knowingly... she has always straddled that which she will take for herself and what which she knows will allow her to remain, "in favour", as it were.....distantly, coldly, matter of factly. yet at the same time always maintaining that she is just on the verge of succumbing... without ever really doing so....and it is for that moment, that mother hangs on so dearly. the moment that "j" becomes human enough to feel love, and express it in a way mother can identify with.

"a" the middle, has always been the more conventional. the little mother of the trio. she married, had children, raised her children, maintained a beautiful home, and stuck to a dead marriage for 20 years, because that is what mother expected... guised as it were, in mothers eyes, that it was god that expected it. "a" sided with mother , fought to protect her holier than thou judgments of both "j" and i, tried to make sense of all that mother stands for... at those times as mother could not bend her morality to accept our chosen lifestyles, "a" was there, she had mothers back,,, all the time just waiting for the moment mother would turn away from the squeaky wheels,, turn around and even if for just a moment, finally see all that she had given to prove her love....

and in the distance, we have me. alone. oft' separated by distance. different, but longing to belong. looking in , keeping watch, but never really joining the family group. no matter where my travels have taken me,, no matter how deeply mired i have become in that which i know would never be allowed in mothers world,,, no matter how far away i had to stay to protect mother from who i had become,,, i have always gazed longingly at them as that is where my heart is.

and today, as my heart rests, on the garden bench, and i see all of us, as if for the first time, i feel as if i belong.

enough

how could it be that then it was never enough....and now it is more than i can bare???

jagged edges

it has become nearly impossible for me to tell where you end, and i begin...........