THE INK POT

antiquated

2007-08-05T06:48:00.001-07:00

why is it
that i find beauty
in all things antiquated....
except me?????

reflection

2007-07-30T18:26:00.000-07:00

what is it that draws me,,
like a moth unto your flame...

what is it that holds me there,,
despite my inner pain..

what is it about you,,
for i know not your face, or name..

is it the chance that i might see myself,,
in your eyes once again????

photo:
http://photo.net/bboard-uploads/00A4Fw-20394484

regret

2007-07-27T07:21:00.001-07:00

this regret is a river running

through night, black and bubbly—

seeping black covers me—I am

intangible but for a trickling whisper

plus an unexpected sparkle, cold-fast

sliver surfacing and sinking all

at once—remembrances,

lost petals, skim past, severed

fragrant images of sorrow, sadness,

suffering—the water is cold

and clean but will not pacify my

parched lips that, like my heart,

are sore and bruised, contrite

and fluttering too late

staggo lee

photo: http://www.artchive.com/artchive/m/millais/millais_ophelia.jpg

youth

2007-07-26T09:34:00.000-07:00

as effortlessly as the exhailed breath
that dissapates into the cold of the night
it came and now is gone..

photo:
http://mysite.mweb.co.za/residents/profmd/image202.gif

fates

2007-07-24T06:05:00.001-07:00

oft' times in life,,,
the fates have a way
of doing things for us,,
that we cannot,,
or will not,,
do for ourselves.....

2007-07-21T07:04:00.000-07:00

"For most of us the most common relationship is possession.
In our minds we think we own and possess cars, houses, golf clubs and even people.
"I want you", and "You are mine alone", is a common theme.
In reality, it is not possible to possess anything.
Care for..yes. Use...yes. But possess...no.

A better relationship we can choose, which takes all the fear away is to be a trustee."

Best wishes.

Surjit

wicked weekend

2007-07-20T06:55:00.000-07:00

mirror

2007-07-17T16:21:00.001-07:00

mirror here...
don't pass it by...
give yourself
another try....
for wouldn't it be
a shame to show...
thats all there is
no more to know...

silent knights

2007-07-13T20:50:00.001-07:00

Silent Knights

Imprisoned by a cruel disease
Robbed of precious memories
Walking
Walking
Endlessly
Going nowhere repeatedly.

Suddenly silenced, deprived of words
Voices hushed no longer heard
Staring
Staring
A haunting peer
Saying nothing and loud and clear.

Eyes that search for help in vain
Still filled with long forgotten pain
Searching
Searching
In despair
Seeing nothing everywhere.

Hands that dried their children’s tears
Now strangers to their needs and fears
Holding
Holding
Family ties
Now forgotten, vaporized.

Hour by hour, day by day
Imprisoned souls will slip away
Drifting
Drifting
Souls in flight
Out of darkness, through the light.

May heaven’s hand
Restore thee, Silent Knight.

Shirley Allard

photo: http://images.andale.com/f2/109/101/12725694/2006/11/15/OldMan_BglsFl002.jpg

repost : create...i shall

2007-07-12T06:58:00.000-07:00

and create i shall,,
oft' times dirges,, sometimes useful bits...
it pours from me,, thick and syrupy,,,
lifes blood exposed too long to the air..........

hunger

2007-07-07T05:32:00.001-07:00

"One child while sleeping told his mother -
Mom wake me up when I am hungry Mom said -
my child when you are hungry, you will wake up yourself !!!
The hunger will no more let you sleep peacefully.
We know well when we are hungry for God's love.... "

surjit

time

2007-07-04T05:55:00.001-07:00

i continue to sit, and watch,
as time passes me by,,,
unable to live...
yet so proficient at dreams.....

cracked

2007-07-01T05:28:00.000-07:00

sometimes i cannot tell,
where the
the cracks in the mirror end,,,
and the fragments of my own reflection
begin......

dream

2007-06-29T19:16:00.001-07:00

dream a little dream.....
of me........

empty

2007-06-25T16:31:00.000-07:00

... if they could only see

beyond the smile

beyond the words

beyond the perfect lie

If they'd only look deep enough

they'd find the cold face of emptiness

Random Magus

courage

2007-06-24T20:15:00.001-07:00

Courage is taking a step forward into an
area of difficulty without a solution in mind
trusting that whatever help you need will
become available.

surjit

you

2007-06-23T12:59:00.001-07:00

you, and only you, are to blame......

hard headed woman

2007-06-21T20:42:00.001-07:00

'i'm lookin' for a hard headed woman {headed woman}
one who will make me do my best
and when i find my hard headed woman
i know the rest of my life will be blessed.....
yes. yes. ye-eas.....

cat stevens- hard headed woman

dance

2007-06-18T20:10:00.001-07:00

they say, "life is a dance..."
i say, "come dance with me..."

2007-06-17T05:36:00.001-07:00

in my own little corner...
in my own little chair...
i can be whatever i want to be.....

frustration

2007-06-15T04:56:00.001-07:00

i am losing my composure...............
i have had enough...
it is time for you to go home.......

breathe

2007-06-13T17:40:00.001-07:00

i insist on suffocating myself....
with fears that never materialize...

clean

2007-06-11T20:26:00.001-07:00

there are times,,
when nothing short of your arms around me ,,
can make me feel clean again.....

talking head

2007-06-10T18:59:00.000-07:00

there are times i feel as if i have become a talking head....
and i don't know when to stop

invisable

2007-06-08T20:40:00.001-07:00

we look thru them,
only when our eyes are open...
but close them,,
and they rise like the mist..
our souls becoming one..
in this race we call human...

23 twice

2007-06-07T03:16:00.000-07:00

wednesday 7 june 1961

Mondays child is fair of face,
Tuesdays child is full of grace,
Wednesdays child is full of woe,
Thursdays child has far to go,
Fridays child is loving and giving,
Saturdays child works hard for his living,
And the child that is born on the Sabbath day
Is bonny and blithe, and good and gay.

happy birthday to me!!!!!!

what we do for love

2007-06-04T20:01:00.001-07:00

there is blame to be laid, and forgiveness to be meted out..
there are memories to bronze in the annals of life,
and those that need to be rendered helpless...
nothing but time will renew the willingness or ability to live,
and feel alive... nothing....

2007-06-03T19:10:00.000-07:00

i am not fodder for your desire to control everything you come in contact with......

shadow

2007-06-02T19:44:00.001-07:00

does having lost my focus
result in my becoming a shadow of a woman????

the veil

2007-06-01T20:39:00.000-07:00

unwilling to accept who she had become....
she remained hidden behind the veil of shame....

distraction

2007-05-30T20:41:00.002-07:00

sometimes....
all we need is a
beautiful distraction

home

2007-05-28T20:46:00.001-07:00

theres no place like home...
theres no place like home...
theres no place like home...

stone cutter

2007-05-27T03:51:00.000-07:00

Hammering away at our souls

Wave after wave of existence

We must take up the chisel

And place it

HDReader

only the ashes

2007-05-26T09:44:00.001-07:00

it is the ones that spontaneously combust within us...
and burn us to the ground,
leaving only the ashes with which to rebuild..
ah yes....
it is those loves that will live inside us forever....

selfishness

2007-05-25T19:20:00.001-07:00

she feels at times
what she calls selfishness
was purely evil....

the afterlife

2007-05-24T18:59:00.000-07:00

when bad things happen to good people

what makes you think this isn't the after life????

empty

2007-05-23T05:17:00.001-07:00

EMPTY...

Lying naked and exposed

My very self probed and examined

My soul declared barren

My dreams slowly shattered

…still some embers stubbornly flicker

-- Random Magus

defilement

2007-05-22T06:21:00.001-07:00

defiling ones self,,,
is no longer an acceptable form,
of punishment

worry

2007-05-21T06:23:00.000-07:00

so the circle begins... worry plunges into
its funneling, twirling, twisting, dance
as it sucks one deeper and deeper
into oneself leaving off, only
at the entry to the
pit 0f despair
*********
*******
*****
***
**
*

outside

2007-05-20T05:36:00.001-07:00

it is with increasing difficulty,,,
that i venture into the world...
outside......

waters edge

2007-05-19T07:15:00.001-07:00

you come in waves..
part you,
part me,
part fantasy....

they are more peaceful waves now,
they no longer dash me upon the shore..
leaving me breathless and broken..
more the ebb than the flow...

leaving me, just, alone....
at the waters edge....
on the surface,
hard and cold... like smooth, wet sand...

Powerless to Hate

2007-05-17T17:45:00.000-07:00

You tear me at times

I try to run away

you fill me with rage

you turn to ashes all my smiles

make all meaning cease to exist

crumble my castle even as I build

...you make the world disappear in a haze

till all i see is red

all the colours distorted

all the joy swallowed

you make my heart beat so fast

my body clenched

my temples throbbing

you make me repeat your name

even as I turn to run

You know where to follow me

in my most secret place

--- Random Magus

on god

2007-05-17T08:01:00.000-07:00

if there is a god.......
why doesn't he want me to believe???

... a fleeting thought captured

2007-05-16T10:31:00.000-07:00

All creation comes with pain.

Why I wonder?

Do you see pain as noble?

Do you think without pain can't come wisdom?

Is pain essential to survival ?

Essential to success?

Do you have the answer?

Have you been through pain?

Have you felt superior because of your pain?

Have you felt wise and looked down on me because of your newfound depth?

Depth that came through pain?

Or can you laugh at the world exultant at your victory?

Your defiance of pain!

Your joy at small things!

Your gratitude to be alive!

Your laughter, your smiles!

Your marvel at the gift of your breath!

- Random Magus

letting go

2007-05-15T04:06:00.000-07:00

i visited you last night in a dream...
you were fine..
you had moved on..

i saw the house where you lived..
the woman that loved you...

you didn't need me...
it was as if i had never let you down....

each night

2007-05-14T04:11:00.000-07:00

each night,,,,
you come to me,,,
and beckon me to join you....

each morning,,,
i must find the resolve to stay......

Just the pureness of an ephereal moment?

2007-05-12T15:38:00.000-07:00

Can you pinpoint the moment you were happy – truly happy?

Can you even remember it?

And what is happiness

A sense of possibility?

Of omnipotence and potential?

A promise of things to come?

Do we analyze it so much...

.. that we miss the moment?

Can that be happiness?

Just moments?

Amber Azam-Kureshi

visionless words

2007-05-11T06:27:00.000-07:00

tangled in visionless words.........

color

2007-05-10T10:00:00.000-07:00

as if a glimmer of light had somehow found its way.......

color has returned to my world

All that I Am.

2007-05-09T07:54:00.000-07:00

So much change on the Outside.

All the same Inside.

Is the line so clear,

As I dance back and forth?

Do I dare step over?

All that I Am.

Oh, I can be so much more.

Here it is Safe.

I watch the rest, knowing it could be me.

I will teach my children better.

Is it too late?

The Sun shines through sometimes.

T.G.

create,,, i shall

2007-05-07T20:30:00.000-07:00

and create i shall,,
oft' times dirges,, sometimes useful bits...
it pours from me,, thick and syrupy,,,
lifes blood exposed too long to the air..........

part of me

2007-05-07T05:05:00.000-07:00

i have succeeded in destroying the part of me,,,
even you couldnt touch.........

tattered soul

2007-05-06T06:01:00.000-07:00

as i peer out,, on the autumn of my life,,, i realize...
my tattered soul...is the common denominator of every relationship i have ever had.....

i need to know

2007-05-05T05:26:00.000-07:00

just one more thing........
did you ever really love me????

hiding place

2007-05-03T05:20:00.000-07:00

have you,, at last,, found a safe place to hide????

up in flames

2007-05-02T14:22:00.000-07:00

"I don't know what's going to happen, but I want to have my kicks before the whole shithouse goes up in flames." -Jim Morrison

T.G.

its so easy

2007-05-02T13:24:00.000-07:00

the love of my life, was violent with me...

he was fascinated by dominance, manipulation, and violence in his choices of music, entertainment, and lifestyle,, and i believe it all just bled over...

he is gone now... but when i hear songs like "Its So Easy" by Guns N' Roses,,, and the words are in part...

"See me hit you
You fall down....

Ya get nothin' for nothin'
If that's what ya do
Turn around bitch I got a use for you
Besides you ain't got nothin' better to do
And I'm bored....."

i cannot help but romanticize it...
his violence was his most intense emotion,,,,
and that is what i miss.....

waiting for you

2007-05-01T04:02:00.000-07:00

it is your turn to "come get me........"

2007-04-30T04:15:00.000-07:00

loneliness

2007-04-29T05:13:00.000-07:00

Pray that your loneliness may spur you into finding something to live for, great enough to die for.

Dag Hammarskjold (1905 - 1961)

Seeking the profound.

2007-04-26T18:15:00.000-07:00

All of my life I have tried to grasp the enormity of the Universe, which intellectually & I know (or believe) to be infinite. I always ask, “Why”?

Gazing at the stars, trying to make Earth bound sense of it all.

“Let’s see. All the stars that are visible to the naked eye are in our galaxy and there are as many galaxies as there are stars.”

Steady now.

So, in essence I search to grasp Infinity or Eternity. I recall, long ago, on one occasion, getting a little light headed and losing my footing when I started to conceptualize the massiveness of which is all around us.

It was as though I backed off and wouldn’t take that next step to “understand”. It was like a point of no return. Maybe I really didn’t want to know or feel the Power and Vastness.

Still today, I constantly seek answers to the profound and mundane. There always has to be reason. I hold that in the next life we will all know these answers, but at that time it won’t make a difference. All will be understood. I laugh when I hear about those that “blow themselves up” for their cause and religion - looking forward to a reward of seventy virgins in the afterlife.

Ha ha ha ha, did they ever think it might be a punishment? Those most favored will receive at least seven thousand virgins or an unlimited eternal virginal supply?. What happens after seventy days? You have run out of virgins and you’re S.O.L? Maybe they could bargain for another explosion in a short reincarnated life.

OK, I digress.

I continue to recall the morning after my first psychedelic trip. After all the deep thinking and Reality shattering revelations, the sun rose the same way the next day. I was hungry and had to eat. I had to get to the cafeteria. I had to wait in line. I had to do all the same mundane things I did everyday. It didn’t seem right. I “knew” the secrets of the Universe and I was still tied to the physical realm – a slave to reality. How could that be?

My lesson; regardless of mighty insights, we still have to survive day to day while we are here.

To paraphrase an ancient proverb:

What does a wood cutter do after he attains enlightenment?

He cuts wood.

So I ask,

“Is it worth asking?

Is it worth seeking?

Is it worth knowing right now?”

T.G.

mama

2007-04-21T17:25:00.000-07:00

i am not powerful enough to have disgraced you,,, or your god....

omission

2007-04-21T11:19:00.000-07:00

why do i feel that your silence,, is merely your way of lying thru omission?????????

silence

2007-04-15T17:14:00.000-07:00

silence propagates itself, the longer talk has been suspended, the more difficult it is to find anything to say....

Samuel Jackson {1709-1784}

speak to me......................

the garden bench

2007-04-12T04:22:00.000-07:00

a print of this painting, the garden bench, by james tissot, hangs over my bed.

i found it in a big box store years ago, right at a time in my life that i had resumed a relationship with my family after a near twenty year walk on the wild side.

when i saw this picture, i knew it spoke very deeply to me, and i knew immediately that my mother, my sisters, and myself were portrayed here in the most intimate way.

in this picture, none of us is who we try to project ourselves to be, nor are we who we choose to see when looking at ourselves,,, but rather, we appear as we really are.

the placement, the postures, the clothing,, all speak of each one of us in such detail, i could write volumes....

mother, pristinely coiffed and placed as the center,, reaching out to that which she knows she can never really touch,,, my youngest sister. she is at ease with turning her back on my middle sister,, who has always chosen to meld with mother and her idea of what her daughters should be, and myself,, the oldest,, boldly wearing the dress of black , openly choosing not to blend in to the color scheme of things,, always distant and never really physically available, as she is assured of both of our love for her....

"j" the youngest, dressed here as a boy, has always been somewhat different. she has no apparent emotional makeup what so ever. she is a self absorbed universe unto herself, not maliciously, probably not even knowingly... she has always straddled that which she will take for herself and what which she knows will allow her to remain, "in favour", as it were.....distantly, coldly, matter of factly. yet at the same time always maintaining that she is just on the verge of succumbing... without ever really doing so....and it is for that moment, that mother hangs on so dearly. the moment that "j" becomes human enough to feel love, and express it in a way mother can identify with.

"a" the middle, has always been the more conventional. the little mother of the trio. she married, had children, raised her children, maintained a beautiful home, and stuck to a dead marriage for 20 years, because that is what mother expected... guised as it were, in mothers eyes, that it was god that expected it. "a" sided with mother , fought to protect her holier than thou judgments of both "j" and i, tried to make sense of all that mother stands for... at those times as mother could not bend her morality to accept our chosen lifestyles, "a" was there, she had mothers back,,, all the time just waiting for the moment mother would turn away from the squeaky wheels,, turn around and even if for just a moment, finally see all that she had given to prove her love....

and in the distance, we have me. alone. oft' separated by distance. different, but longing to belong. looking in , keeping watch, but never really joining the family group. no matter where my travels have taken me,, no matter how deeply mired i have become in that which i know would never be allowed in mothers world,,, no matter how far away i had to stay to protect mother from who i had become,,, i have always gazed longingly at them as that is where my heart is.

and today, as my heart rests, on the garden bench, and i see all of us, as if for the first time, i feel as if i belong.

enough

2007-04-05T18:01:00.000-07:00

how could it be that then it was never enough....and now it is more than i can bare???

jagged edges

2007-04-02T06:24:00.000-07:00

it has become nearly impossible for me to tell where you end, and i begin...........

The Blowout

2007-03-31T14:40:00.000-07:00

I came home from the most wild, confusing weekend of my life. In just 48 hours, I'd gone to my 20 year high school reunion, spent the night with another man, and gotten a large tattoo, all of which were planned.

Now I found myself back in my home, a home which had become a psycho ward. Jerry was half asleep on the couch. I gazed down at him with contempt. He had become a completely different person than the man I had been married to. He was fat, lazy, unmotivated, and I could not bear the thought of spending one more minute of my life with this person. For now, I would walk across the street and drink wine with the neighbors.

An hour later, I staggered back into the house, head spinning, fighting tears, and full of rage. I'd had it, going anywhere, doing anything would be better than this living hell. I called a friend and asked her to come get me. Halfway out the door, Jerry suddenly appeared out of nowhere, standing there, blocking me.

"Where are you going?", he demanded. "I'm leaving!" Was I so drunk that a sliver of time had escaped me? Before I knew it, Jerry picked me up as if I weighed no more than a 5 year old child, and threw me into the van. He drove to the park, so we could talk alone, without our children hearing our catastrophic blow out.

"What's going on with you? Talk to me!" I just kept saying, "I'm leaving!" , over and over. I'd been pushed over the edge, depression turned to mania, and then imploded into a survival mode.

"Is there someone else?" He'd always said it would be the end of us if I ever cheated on him. "YES!", I screamed. Instead of the response I expected, Jerry cried out, "It doesn't matter. I forgive you. Just don't leave!" I yelled back that I hated him, and that I was leaving- no matter what. In one swift move, Jerry flung the door of the van open, picked me up with one arm, and tossed me out to the ground. I landed with a hard thump, dazed and shaken. Immediately, Jerry pleaded with me to forgive him, and pulled me back into the van.

The next few days were a blur. Jerry left, came back. I left, came back. Neither of us really had any place to go. I couldn't go to my lover's house; his life was as much a mess as mine. I stayed, by default at first. Then slowly, day by day, week by week, I saw Jerry reverse back to the man I loved. We'd both learned the undeniable truth-that we could not live without each other. The children needed us, but more, Jerry and I needed each other.

The recovery was a long, arduous journey. In the end, we were transformed. WE began to pick up all the shattered pieces of our lives together by some miracle.

Ruby

shards of life

2007-03-30T10:30:00.000-07:00

like shards of glass, on the broken, uneven pavement that we call life...

some emotions are just too jagged,, too sharp,, too cutting,, too raw to keep to yourself..........

"Watch me."

2007-03-25T06:07:00.000-07:00

david and i met in 1985, at a bar called the temple tavern in akron, ohio....i was newly separated, not yet divorced, and looking desperately to fulfill my desire to be "in love" again,, i wanted to ache with desire for someone,, i wanted to have sex that would ring in my ears for days and in so doing,,,,, i believed, become complete.

it was winter, the last week of february, an all out blizzard that night. we talked briefly, and i invited him to come home with me... he said ok,, but he had come with some other people and that had to give them a ride home first... no problem... i went home,, and perched myself in the window so that i could see him, and he would have no trouble finding me when he finally appeared thru the snow.......he never showed...never called... finally, i went to bed alone...

the following monday i went to the temple, this time as a patron, as it was pitcher night,,, your favorite mixed drink served in a pitcher for only $5.00...and happened upon his friend, bob, who i recognized and asked where his friend dave was.......

as convenience would have it, he was at bobs house, so he gave me the number,, i called and went to get david....to make a long story short,,, he did in fact go home with me this time,, and proceeded to show me what was missing in my life,,, the most blatant display of human animal affection i had ever experienced....

i was bitten, i was hooked, i was in love, as i had indeed found a "dick more powerful than myself" as i so aptly described years later..

two days later i came home from work to find out he had moved his stuff in while i was at work... we were one.. david and me,, two lost souls,, no longer lost.. joined by need and desire and not much else... but we proclaimed our love for each other and finally, i felt as if i could be complete.....

so it began,, and our fiery relationship lasted thru numerous moves to florida, jail sentences, violent arguments, separations, infidelities, massive drugs and alcohol.....highs and lows as i had never experienced in my life,,, chaos and desperation that only drew me closer to him,, to my need to make it all ok,, take care of him,, help him....make him love me in the same insane, obsessive, all encompassing way, i loved him....i only ever wanted us to be together, exclusively, to love each other,, to be a forever couple....or"go out in a blaze of glory" as sid vicious of the sex pistols so aptly put it....david and me,, to eternity....

and thru it all ... the sex was life giving. he could right any wrong,, be forgiven for any indiscretion, there was no bump or bruise or emotional hurt that he couldnt fix by laying me down and mending my torn soul with his magic wand...no desperation he couldnt kiss away,, he was my knight in shining armor..... until the next time....

after what seemed like forever together,, and really only amounted to a little over six years i finally gathered the courage one early morning to stop... to tell david he couldnt come home...

he had left me a few days before,, taking all of his worldy posessions, his clothes and his stereo...and now at daybreak he had appeared in a friends car, that he had decided to use without permission,,, after sexing the same friends wife... and, well, just generally screwing up the people he chose to leave me for this time....somehow, some way,, from deep inside me i know not where,, i was strong enough to let him go,,, and to go on without him...for once i didnt chase him down and bring him home, and start the vicious cycle all over again.... instead we parted with me telling him,

"you cant go thru life being nothing but a good fuck."

and he replied, knowingly, with that little tilt of his head, and that sexy as thou art smile,, "Watch me."

i saw him one more time,, taking out the trash at some unfamiliar house in downtown fort lauderdale, in those turquoise shorts he only ever wore if there was no clean laundry and every other thing he owned had been worn more than the reasonable amount of times...i didnt stop, i never spoke to him again....

i moved, no forwarding address,,, found other equally drug and violence ridden relationships, without the amazing sex,,, that lasted a few months,,, became a drug addict and all that that, that implies,, and finally awakened to the fact that i didnt have to live like that.... but all of that is fodder for another post....

last friday, while paging thru the akron beacon journal,, i came across his grandfathers obituary...{ i need to talk to you about "short" and wanda sometime too,, the most grounded loving people i have ever had the privilege to know}.... and as i read the notice, i saw the words..."preceded in death by his grandson, David A. Gardon...."
he had died january 17, 2004, one month shy of his 38th birthday.

i was numb... i still am... my david, my love, my obsession....is gone.

it was ok not to be with him, it was ok not to know what he was doing, or how he was,,, as to know would have been too dangerous, too painful. i had many times searched the internet for information about him.. checked the jails,, thought about calling "short" and wanda, just to make sure he was ok... but i never did...i couldnt resist him then, and it was possible, if the situation presented itself i couldnt resist him even now....

i found out this week he died of an oxycontin overdose, he and the girl he was with...found dead, together.....and as shameless and perverted as it might sound... it should have been me...

me and david forever... gone out in the blaze of drug fueled glory we so often proclaimed would be ours,,, forever together......

i will always love you, my david... no matter what.....